Fool Chapter 5

fiverPITY THE FOOLKent banished, Cordelia disinherited, the mightiness having piddlen onward his p circuitrty and power, exactly close to important, my home, the White dominate the twain older sisters insulted by Kent, the dukes ready to sign on my throat, well desexualizeting a laugh index be a ch bo consequentlyge. Royal succession, it holdmed, would not be a prudent subject to broach, and I was unconnected for a transition to slapstick or playact afterwards Lears high drama, so Drool was hardly a millst wizard on funninesss neck. I juggled apples and sang a diminutive song ab out monkeys opus I pondered the problem.The king was, of late, leaning decidedly cultural, sequence the elder sisters favored the Church. Gloucester and Edgar were devout to the Roman pantheon, and Cordelia, well, she judg ment the whole lot was get to and England should have her testify church with women in the clergy. Quaint. So the high-minded comedy of religious satire it would b eI tossed my apples slightly the table and express, Two popes atomic number 18 shagging a camel arsehole a mosque, when this Saracen comes up There is only one, dep terminateable pope shouted Cornwall, great tower of chiffoniercerous smegma that he is.Its a jest, you wanker, verbalize I. Suspend rump disbelief for a bit, would you?He was right, in a way (although not for the purpose of the camel bit). For the last twelvemonth in that respect had only been one pope, in the sanctum sanctorum city of Amsterdam. simply for the prior fifty old age thither had been two popes, the retail pope and the rabbet pope. After the Thirteenth Holy Crusade, when it was decided that to forefend future strife, the birthplace of rescuer would be locomote to a different city e actually quartette years, holy shrines lost their geographical importance. There arose a great price war in the Church, with shrines offer pilgrims dispensation at varying competitive rates. promptly there di dnt need to be a miracle state on the spot anywhere could basically be declared a holy site, and often was. Lourdes would still consider dispensation coupons with the healing waters yet also just about bloke in Puddinghoe could plant some pansies and hawk, Jesus had a wee right on this very spot when he was a lad two pennies and a spliff of Cardiff chronic ill get you out o purgatory for an eon, mate.Soon a whole baseball club of low-priced shrine keepers close to Europe named their experience Pope Boldface the Relatively Shame slight, dismiss Pope of Prague. The price war was on. If the Dutch pope would give you a hundred years out of purgatory for a shilling and a ferrymans ticket, the Discount Pope would allow you out for two hundred years and publicize you home with the femur of a minor saint and a splinter of the True Cross. The Retail Pope would offer cheesy bacon toppings on the Host with sacramental manduction and the Discount Pope would counter with topless-n un night for midnight mass.It came to a head, though, when St. Matthew appeared in a vision to the Retail Pope, copulation him that the faithful were more interested in the feature of their religious experience, not just the quantity. Thus inspired, the Retail Pope moved Christmas to June when the weather wasnt so shit for shopping, and the Discount Pope, not realizing the game had changed, responded by tender-hearted hell altogether for anyone who gave a priest a knock over job. Without hell, there was no fear, and without fear, there was no further need for the Church to supply redemption, and more important, no means for the Church to modify behavior. The Discount faithful defected in droves, either to the Retail pegleg of the Church, or to a dozen different pagan sects. Why not get pissed and trip the light fantastic toe naked somewhat a pole all Sabbath if the worst of it was a rash on the dark bits and the dropping of the odd bastard promptly and then(prenominal)? P ope Boldface was burned in a wicker man the next Beltane and cats shat in his ashes.So, yes, a two-pope joke was untimely, notwithstanding fuck all, it was dire times, and I sallied forth, for a bit So the second pope says, Your sister? I thought she was kosher?And no one laughed. Cordelia rolled her eyes and made a raspberry sound.The pathetic one-trumpet fanfare dribbled, the great doors were impel open, and France and Burgundy ponced20 into the residency followed by the bastard Edmund.Silence, tomfool, commanded Lear, with great superfluity. Hail, Burgundy, hail, France.Hail, Edmund the spread over bastard say I.Lear ignored me and motioned for France and Burgundy to come onward him. They were some(prenominal) fit, taller than me but not tall, a a couple of(prenominal) years south of thirty. Burgundy had dark hair and the lancinating features of a Roman. France, sandy hair and softer features. Each wore stain and dagger that I doubted had been ever drawn but for cerem ony. Fucking frogs.Lord Burgundy, tell Lear, you have rivaled for the hand of our youngest daughter. What serving do you require for her?No less than your highness has offered, verbalise the dark poofter.Alas, that is no more, nigh Burgundy. What we offered, was offered when she was dear to us. Now she has roused our raise and betrayed our love and her constituent is nothing. If you want her as she is there, take her, but there inhume be no dowry.Burgundy was stunned. He plump for away, nigh stepping on Frances feet. Im sorry, then, sir, but I moldiness tend to property and power in my select of duchess.She shall have neither, said Lear.So be it, said Burgundy. He nodded, bowed, and stepped back. I am sorry, Cordelia.No worry, sir, said the princess. If Burgundys heart is wed only to property and power, then it could neer be to me truly. Peace be with you.I breathed half a sigh of relief. We competency be driven from our home, but if Cordelia was driven out with us Ill take her said Edgar.You will not, you blubbering, beetle-browed, dog-buggering dullard I may have accidentally exclaimed.You will not, said Gloucester, pushing his son back into his seat.Well, I will have her, said the Prince of France. For she is a dowry in herself.Oh for fucks sakePocket, thats enough, said the king. Guard, take him outside and hold him until our will is done.Two yeomen stepped up dirty dog me and seized me under the armpits. I heard Drool let out and looked over to see him cowering behind a column. This had never happened before nothing corresponding it. I was the all-licensed fool I of all people could speak lawfulness to power I am chief jumpy monkey to the King of Bloody BritainYou dont know what youre acquiring into, France. Have you seen her feet? Or perhaps that is your game, put her to belong in the vineyards crushing wine grapes. Majesty, the poofter means to nip servitude on her, mark my words.But no one heard the last of it, the yeomen had drag ged me from the room and held me in the hall outside. I sought to brain one with Jones but he caught the puppet stick and tucked him in his belt at the small of his back.Sorry, Pocket, said Curan, the headwaiter of the control, a grizzled bear in ambit mail who held me by my right arm. Twas a occupy order, and you were fast cutting your throat with your take in tongue.not me, said I. He wouldnt hurt me.Id have said hed not banish his best friend or disown his favorite daughter before this night. hanging a fools an easy leap, lad.Aye, said I. Youre right. let me go, then. non until the kings business is done, said the old yeoman.The doors came open, fanfare trickled weak through the portal, and out came the Prince of France, on his arm, Cordelia, radiant and corroding a grim smile. I could see her prate clenched, but she relaxed when she saw me and some of the fire of anger left her eyes.So, youre off with the frog Prince? said I.France laughed at that, bloody buggering Fren ch fuck that he is. Is there anything so irritating as a nobleman who actually behaves nobly? Yes, I am leaving, Pocket, but there is one thing you must unceasingly remember and never forget Both at once?Shut upAye, milady.You must everlastingly remember, and you must never forget, that while you are the smutty Fool, the dark fool, the Royal Fool, the all-licensed fool, and the Kings Fool, you were not brought here to be those things. You were brought here to please me. Me So when you put your titles aside, a fool still shall there reside, and now and forever, you are my fool.Oh my, you are departure to do well in France they hold unpleasantness to be a virtue.MineNow and forever, milady.You may kiss my hand, fool.The yeoman released me and I dented to take her hand. She pulled it away, and glum, her gown fanning out around her as she walked away. Sorry, having you on.I smiled into the floor. You bitch.Ill miss you, Pocket, she said over her shoulder, and she go down the c orridor.Take me with you. Take us both with you. France, you could use a brilliant fool and a great lumbering bag of flatulence like Drool, couldnt you?The prince shook his head, entirely too much pity in his eyes for my tastes. You are Lears fool, with Lear you shall stay.Thats not what your wife just said.She will learn, said the prince. He turned on his heel and followed Cordelia down the corridor. I started after them but the maitre d yanked me back by the arm.Let her go, lad.Next out of the hall came the sisters and their husbands. Before I could say anything the professional had clamped his hand over my back talk and was lifting me off my feet as I kicked. Cornwall made as to draw his dagger, but Regan pulled him away. Youve just won a kingdom, my duke, killing vermin is a servants task. Leave the acid fool stew in his own bile.She cherished me. It was clear.Goneril would not look me in the eye, but move past, and her husband, Albany, just shook his head as he walked b y. A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captains heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my skunk trumpet could find no note.As if the gods had move down a dim and gaseous embodiment to help me, Drool came next through the door, walkway rather more straight than was his habit. Then I saw that someone had looped a rope around his neck, the noose fixed to a jibe whose slur was almost piercing Drools throat. Edmund stepped into the corridor holding the other end of the spear, two men at arms flanking him.The captain havin a laugh with you, then, Pocket? said Drool, ingenuous of his peril.The captain dropped me to my feet then, but held my shoulder to keep me from going at Edmund, whose father and brother passed behind him.You were right, Pocket, said Edmund, poking Drool a bit with the spear for emphasis. Killing you would be enough to cement my inauspicious position forever, but a hostage theres a mute I can us e. I so enjoyed your performance in there that I prevailed upon the king to provide me with a fool of my own, and look at his gift. Hell be coming to Gloucester with us to assure that you dont forget your promise.You dont need the spear, bastard. Hell go if I ask him. are we going on holiday, Pocket? asked Drool, blood origination to trickle down his neck then.I approached the giant. No, lad, said I. Youre going to go with the bastard here. Do as he says. I turned to the captain. Give me your knife.The captain eyed Edmund and the men at arms beside him, who had pass on on hilts. I dont know, Pocket Give me your bloody knife I whirled, pulled the knife from the captains belt, and before the men at arms could draw Id cut the rope around Drools neck and pushed Edmunds spear aside.You dont need the spear, bastard. I handed the captain his knife and motioned for Drool to bend down so we were eye-to-eye. I want you to go with Edmund and dont give him any trouble, you understand?Aye. Yo u aint comin?Ill be along, Ill be along. Ive business at the White Tower first.Shagging to be done? Drool nodded so enthusiastically you could nearly hear his tiny brain rattling around his gourd. Ill be helping, right?No, lad, but youll have your own castle. Youll be the proper fool, wont you? Therell be all kinds of conceal and listening, Drool, do you understand what Im saying, lad? I winked, hoping against bank that the git would get my meaning.Will there be heinous fuckery, Pocket?Aye, I think you can count on it.Smashing Drool clapped his custody and danced a little jig then, chanting, Heinous fuckery most foul, heinous fuckery most foul I looked to Edmund. Youve my word, bastard. But youve also my word that if any harm comes to the Natural, Ill see to it that ghosts ride you into your grave.A flash of fear showed in Edmunds eye then, but he fought it down and moved(p) his usual swaggering smirk. His life is on your word, little man.The bastard turned and strutted down th e corridor. Drool looked back, a big tear welling in his eye as he realized what was happening. I waved him on.Id have interpreted the other two if youd dirked him, said Curan. The other sentry duty nodded in agreement. Evil bastard was asking for it.Well, now you fucking tell me, said I.Another guard hurried out of the hall then, and seeing it was only the fool with his captain, reported, Captain, the kings food taster. Hes dead, sir.Three friends had I.